High Anxiety

 It seems like the demise of my husband almost two years ago prepared me for the anxiety and stress that has defined most of 2020.

When the sudden death of my partner of 40 years punched me in the face on that sunny afternoon at our beach house - and now, two years later I find myself not only surviving but happy- I have to stop and think...

How did I do that?

 Honestly, most of that first year was a blur of crying, moving, losing and forgetting things, being strong for others, and trying not to sink so far into the depths of depression that I wanted to check out.

But there were some bright days filled with family gatherings, love, and even laughter. I took road trips that I am just now remembering through the snowcapped mountains of Colorado, the red roads of Utah, and along the rocky California coast. I've forgotten so much from those early days that I think it's the brain and the body's way to help me recover from the shock and numbness of such a trauma.

Besides the support from family and friends, I will have to give credit to meditation, a little bit of non-religious faith, chardonnay, and nature.  

Most of all though, my precious grandaughter is my touchstone.

I continued to babysit her a few days a week after RR left this earth and without having to feed, love, and watch over her I don't know if I would be where I am today.

In the beginning, I was exhausted and when her parents came to pick her up, I would collapse. It helped me sleep- alone for the first time in what felt like forever. As she grew she would say my "grandma name," Beppe- it sounds like baa-pa- which is Frisian (Old Dutch)- for grandmother and my heart would grow and tears would come to my eyes.

Now, we laugh together, rock out to kids' music in the car, take walks in the park and I teach her silly things to say- some that were my husband's favorite's from movies.

"See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya," her tiny voice mimics me when I get in my car to leave.

Other times she pesters my daughter to call me on WhatsApp.

"Turn on Beppe," she pleads with her.

This child who RR was lucky to spend 11 months with is better than any drug or therapy session that I've experienced so far these last 23 months, and even though I couldn't be with her for a few months because of COVID, I knew she was waiting to hug me and make me melt. I recognize her parents in her pretty face and RR in her big blue eyes, and I know that no matter what this year- and maybe next year- have in store, I will be forever grateful that she is in my life and it fills my heart with peace.

Seriously, she's better than a cat.